Family Is all we got!

My family on my parent's side is really small. It's small not because there aren't enough people, but because of the kind of people there are in it. From a very young age, we are taught that "family is everything", but how often are we taught to treat family like "everything"? I wasn't taught that, I learnt that with age, and when I did, there was already an unspoken distance between us all that couldn't be bridged. The fault is yours as much as it is theirs, because you know deep down that you never really gave a damn. 

As you grow up, you don't really need a lot of family support if you have strong parental support and if you yourself are a self-content person. But as you grow up, and you meet more and more people and eventually get married, the presence of a family, or the lack of thereof, becomes a prickly reality. Then you welcome, your new in-laws, like your own, like the one you wish you had and never really did. Because you have witnessed strained complicated kinship growing up, you know you want none of that in your new life, because this is your one last chance to start over. 

When I got married, I had 3 real family members attend the wedding, 2 of them being my parents. I usually mention this is a joke to people, but that truthfully is a veil of humor, trying to cover-up the tragedy, the loneliness, the detachment i feel almost everyday. At the end, I have learnt that having a dysfunctional family actually helps, because it teaches you how to not end up being like the older generations who actually knew lesser about compassion, and support and attachments. You learn that you better not screw this up, because this is the only thing that will see you through your bests and your worsts. If I can pass this much on to my kids, I'd say i'm successful. 

Love : Like no Other

So my marriage to my husband was quite extraordinary. Actually it's the love that is extraordinary. I fell in love with him when I was 22. I was in relationships before and somehow i could never make any of them last. Either the fault was mine or the other person's and before i knew, it would be over. But this one wasn't that. I started at zero-expectations, believing that if it is meant to be, it will be. We went strong for 3 years. For the world outside, we were the "golden couple", people would ask me "how we did it", and i would wonder what they are talking about, because I had to do nothing. My husband would make it easy, he was the calmer, the more level-headed one, and times flies when you are happy. Then, like the mid-section of any Bharjatiya Drama, complacence & unease set in, the worst wasn't far away. I moved to a big city and I moved away from him. Although he was out of sight, he was never out of my mind. Even when I had moved on, he was present, in my thoughts, and dreams, and intuitions and decisions and memories. In my mind, he lived like a living memory, something that wakes up with you, stays with you all day and sleeps with you too. At times of trouble I would ask "What would he  do", knowing that he is healthy and happy, gave me calm and peace. Knowing that I could run to him for help gave me a sense of assurance and belonging. And gradually i realized, there are many kinds of love, but this love was a grand one, something that will never leave you and will leave you with nothing but regret if you don't hold onto it ; because in the back of your mind you know he is THE one.

So in a very cheesy way, I had to lose myself, in doubt and loneliness and unsettling life-choices, to rediscover the shimmering glow of a love & hope that I had to win back.

And before it was too late, I had to make amends... I couldn't lose him again and just like that, I proposed the idea of marriage. And yes, he obliged, and I knew I was home, for me, he was my home! There is a thin line between ordinary and the extra-ordinary, and for me that was a 150km bus ride.

Maybe he could have been happier with someone else, maybe some one else is his soul-mate and maybe he deserves better. But for me, he was the best and I am going to selfishly hold on to that.

Bombs Away: My first post

For years I have deliberated over writing a blog. It could be as simple as penning down my thoughts, nothing fancy or heavy, just give my mind that clarity it so often needed. Time obviously flew by and there was always something more important to do. Marriage happened (which I will write about later) and for the first time in 5 years I was taking a break from work. A conscious & sure decision. A lot of close friends discouraged me from doing it, "it will run your career", "what will you do staying at home", "you'll become a naggy housewife" , "The husband will lose respect", were some of the many bullets used to gun down my idea. Did it anyway and now that I am living that "break" , I know how badly I needed it. Anyone out there getting married and reading this, TAKE A BREAK. Your career isn't going anywhere and You have all life to work. But this time, these precious months after the wedding aren't coming back.

I was a brat before moving to my husband's home - didn't know how to cook to save my neck, did bare-minimum housework to get past mom's taunts.. and this break has changed all that. Marriage changes you, well in my case, it enhanced my skill-sets. I am learning cooking and single-handedly managing a household.

A friend recently told me , "you didnt grow up at all 16 years on-wards and then overnight, you've turned 28". And in the middle of all this "growing-up" I started to write my very own blog.

Like they say, Bombs Away!